All over again.

Do not know where I should start...

since my last real blog it's been a while. There was a lot of trouble, there were a lot of tears, there was a lot of fun, there were a lot of lost friends. Do not really want to talk about it and we do not have so much time. It would take me at least 3 days that you could follow the story.

Whatever, here I am again. And here we are again too. It seems like the same story is repeating all over and over again. But why is it repeating? Wasn't all said? Didn't we moved on? Without each other?

Somehow we found back to each other. But is this good or bad? Each conversation with you is like a déjà-vu! It is ending always the same - in tears.

But we do not give up. Why? Do we need the pain? Did it became so usual to be together? To freak out because of nothing? Crying until falling asleep?

Oh boy... what are we doing it all over again? ... I know the answer and you do too. We cannot live without each other. But is this worth all the pain, all the tears?

Yes it is. We should not forget the good times. The times when we are happy together. When we are in love. But these times are mostly invisible for outsiders. Nobody can understand the relationship between two others. The outsiders just get the bad times. They cannot even imagine the love between us. And really, what the hell are we listening to what other people say? It is our life.

But what if every word is said. No words are left to tell. No sentences unspoken. What if the silence between us gets bigger and bigger? When do we get to the point when words are not enough anymore and doings should follow? Is it just about the decision of one of us or of both? And what if we are getting tired of fighting?

Words are not enough anymore...

Today I started with doings. I tidied up my room. Throwing all the mess out. I threw out the chaos. I banned it. So I can get some space in my room and maybe in my mind. There is still a lot to be done tomorrow. I hope I can start all over again soon.

Do not know what to do but I have a mission: living!

xoxo RB

high five, awesomeness !: HAHA

GEILSTES!!!

high five, awesomeness !: HAHA: "bringt mich jedesmal wieder zum lachen! Bei dem Anblick des 'Mannes' wunderte es mich auch nicht mehr, dass er einfach keine ordentliche Zuc..."

Tries and second times.

Awake in the middle of the night she's laying in her bed. Thinking. Trying not to think. Failed. She tries so hard everytime but it seems like that is not enough. She is trying over and over again. She gives second chances... more than second... and what does she have? Nothing. She gets up, puts some cloth on and goes outside. She needs a run right now. She will never be really happy. Always when it seems like there are complications... it sucks... she does not want to go on... just at this moment she reachs the bridge... Keep trying? A second time? ... xoxo RB

Two souls.

It does not happen a lot but sometimes you find the true love. It seems to be perfect. You do love eachothers. But sometimes this love is not enough. xoxo Roxxburry

Promises

Have you lied the whole time? Have I done something wrong? Why have you promised things if you break them?
You do not just account for the things you do... you also account for the things you do not do...
But anyway... I miss you <'3

Awhile!

It has been awhile that I have posted something. Let us change it ;)...

She is back on her drugs. Pain, sadness, tears, alcohol, cigarettes. The whole program. She had stopped that for a little while. When she had something to distract her. It's been awhile that the distraction is gone. No goodbye, no sign, nothing.
She fell back into that black whole of non-sense. Back to her usual drugs.
She is broken inside but no one is able to see that. She is a role again. Pretending everything is alright she plays her role perfectly. Her masque is not shaking, no break. Just perfection.
But perfection does not imply happiness or satisfaction.
Tears, pain and sadness does not mean you have a sad life. It is just the fact that you have realized you have to change something in your life. To be happy again.
Burning up old pictures, deleting your texts, erasing you.

What ever you do, what ever you try to forget - the memories will rest.

Words you have said which were meant to make me smile once are like a knife in my chest now. Promises you made meant to make me happy are already broken and set my heart on fire.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts... what if...
Memories over memories... am I ready to give up?...



I do not know how it will go on but I know that I need sometime for myself. Just me. Trying to get a hold on my life again. It seems like it is slipping out of my fingers right now. ...

Million Miles!

It is nothing new to be away from you. But know the distance between us grew.
And I am missing you more than ever.
There is one positive thing about the distance our love grew with it.
And I fell even more in love with you. <3
But also I am bleeding. Bleeding because of not seeing you not being with you. It is killing me slowly.
Just another week and I will be with you.
Counting the days, hours, minutes and seconds.
Missing you, love!

I'm a million miles from you but if we stay strong I know we will make it through <3

Text from last night. ♥

listen to this while reading ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gujDtk2kPQ

I really think a lot of you. I am missing you. Every second.
And I know you feel the same but I cannot stop myself from thinking about something negative. Can't do.
You do not know it but I missed so much... just for being with you. Is that right?

I think it was it worth. It still is. Since last night.

I am happy - for the moment. <3
I love you!

Memories!

It is not the broken heart that hurts. It is the memory of you and me. The memory of us. The way we were. Sometimes it is missing.
Most of the time it hurt. So I am better of without you.
And I do not need you to be happy. I never was.
Goodbye my lover ;) See you never again!

Junkie!

I'm obsessed. Obsessed with many things.
#1 You ... that could be the only thing though it is not.
When I am sad because you are not there I have to distract myself - go for a run.
I am a junkie and you are my drug.
You are like a pill. Keep making me better. Keep making me ill. ♥ - Pink

xoxo

Lovesick

She'd already been here. Here in the middle of nowhere. She knows this place very well.
She remembers the past and look behind... nothing...
She thinks about her situation and look beside her... nothing...
She imagines the future and look in front of her... nothing...
Beginning to cry she slowly sits down on the ground. Everything is hurting.
Her feet because of running way to much.
Her legs because of the coldness and her shorts.
Her eyes because of crying.
Her head because of thinking way to much.
Her heart because of loving.
She knew it. She really did. But she was blinded. Or just did not except the truth.

I guess there could have been a "we" but there never was, there is not and there never be again. It is not my fault. Maybe it is not yours either.
I read my blog yesterday. I knew it. I was right. Why does it hurt so bad?! ...
Real love does not exist. Love kills slowly.

- xoxo

Bullet through my brain

I should hate you. I really have reasons to hate you.
But I cannot! I am not able to. Instead I hate myself. I kick myself. I kick myself in my ass. I am going running way too much because of having no training. I run until I cannot feel anything but the numb. I ran until I am barely falling.
I am running.
Running until the pain is fade away.
Cannot see the way in front of me. But it has to be better than the past.
Left or right? Shadow or light? Black or white? Cannot decide.
Gotta run. Run until I throw up. Run until my feed are bleeding.
Run...
in your arms.

Too Cool - Too Cool for You

Back and forth.
Left to right.
Up and down.
Hot and cold.

But baby guess what I will not do this anymore ;) Get your things and just go. Cause I am too cool - I am too cool to know you! ;)
You had enough time more than enough. Too many chances... It cannot go on like this.
I am too cool for you!
Still, I am in love with you - it will not last forever.

Catch up my dreams again gotta rock them!
Looooooove you, xoxo Roxy

You & I

I want to be near you,
You are pushing me away.

I want to be there for you,
You turn around and go.

I am carrying you on my hands,
You jab a knife into my heart.

I am falling,
You are sleeping.

I am crying on the floor,
You are looking in the other direction.

I am looking forward,
You are stock in the past.

I cannot go any further,
You do not even notice.

I do not want anymore,
You just give up without trying.


Happy New Year - hopefully a better year.
Keep rocking your dreams.
- xoxo Roxy